Fair Oak Faux Pas
by Loke Groundrunner
Summary: In the town of Fair Oak, a boy named Luigi has a really bad day. Rated T for some gross humor.


Fair Oak Faux Pas

A/N: This is my first Animal Crossing story, so please review to tell me how I did.

Luigi walked around his house early Friday morning, it looked like another typical summer day in Fair Oak.

Of course, there was work to do. He fed his fish, which included a salmon, a crawfish, a killifish, a catfish, an arawana, a jellyfish, a large mouth bass, a koi, an angelfish, a piranha, an arapiama, a giant catfish, a stringfish, a coelacanth, a giant snakehead and a guppy. (A/N: Luigi has a lot of fish because he caught every single kind in Fair Oak.) And then he fed his frog, which he had caught in another town because there are no ponds in Fair Oak.

As Luigi opened the front door, the smell of cabin furniture, which his main floor was decorated in, was replaced by the smell of the outdoors.

He checked his mail and was horrified to find a spider in his mailbox.

"AGGGGGGGHH!" he screamed, "WHO PUT THIS SPIDER IN MY MAILBOX!"

He heard snickering and soon figured out who it was; his rival Thomas, a human neighbor who was jealous of Luigi's posterity.

"Got you good, jerk!" shouted Thomas from his front porch nearby.

"Ugh, it's going to be one of those days," Luigi grumbled. Thomas' problem was that Luigi had caught every single kind of insect and fish in Fair Oak, had filled up the museum, and had earned the four golden items.

"What is troubling you, my son?" asked Master Gyroid, Luigi's personal Gyroid assistant.

"That jerk Tom put a spider in my mailbox," Luigi replied.

"If you wish, my son," offered Master Gyroid, who was wearing a karate gi with a black belt, "I may dish out a helpful serving of whoop-ass on him."

"No, that won't be necessary, Luigi said, "I got to go out and do my daily chores."

Luigi walked off into the landscape of Fair Oak, muttering, "How did I lose Minagona and Elguapo and ended up with bonehead Tom?"

Hambo was out this morning, practicing his Tae Kwon Do on a peach tree growing by his house, paying no attention to his surroundings. He shouted some battle cry in Korean and jumped on Luigi, beating the tar out of him.

"AHHHHHHHHH!" Luigi bellowed in pain, "Get off me, prime rib!"

"Oops, sorry Luigi," Said Hambo, "I thought you were the man who killed my master like in all those martial art movies."

"Nope, I'm just Luigi, who's out on his daily duties."

"You mean pulling weeds?"

"Exactly."

"Okay then, happy weed hunting!"

Sure enough, Luigi found all the weeds in an acre nearby, "Oh boy! They're all in the same spot!" Luigi pulled them and learned a terrible truth: these weeds had thorns.

"GAHHHHHH!" Luigi ran off to Nookington's to get some medicine.

"NOOK!" screamed Luigi as he ran into the department store.

Luigi knocked Tom Nook over and shouted at him, "NOOK I NEED A FIRST-AID KIT NOW!"

"I'm being robbed!" yelled Tom.

"You dummy!" said Luigi; "I just need some medicine. I cut myself while pulling weeds."

"Oh, okay then," Nook said, "Timmy! Tommy! Get the first-aid kit for my best customer!"

"Coming Dad! …Dad!" shouted Tommy.

The Nooklings arrived with the kit and they opened it, Luigi got out some bandages and antiseptic and used them.

"Thanks." Luigi said.

"No problem! …Problem!" said Timmy and Tommy in unison. They scampered off to the second floor of Nookington's.

Luigi started to walk out the door when Tom Nook called after him, "Don't forget about the big clothing sale at 1:00! We're having a single beatnik shirt for sale for real cheap!"

Luigi walked through Fair Oak again, hoping that someone wouldn't jump out of a pile of leaves at him, when he saw that Chuck, Groucho, Louie, Tad and Tangy were in front of the Wishing Well dressed in black suits and singing horribly off-key.

"What are you guys doing?" Asked Luigi.

"We're the Schmooze Brothers!" proclaimed Louie.

"Oh, give me a break!"

"It's our own band that we made to impress everybody." Chuck said.

"We're hoping that if we do good enough, K.K. Slider might offer us a job as backup singers!" Said Tangy.

"We even got merchandise!" said Groucho giving Luigi a poster with the five's picture, with the words 'Gimme the Schmooze!'

"Uh, thanks." He said dryly.

"No problem." said Tad.

Then the Schmooze Brothers sang loudly, "IF YOU DON'T SCHMOOZE, YOU LOSE!"

"By Farley's wizened nose!" yelped Luigi as he ran away into the museum.

In the museum, Luigi admired all of the stuff he had donated so long ago, while Blathers the owl snored away.

The human left the museum and heard Blathers mumble something in his sleep about crumpets and knickers.

Luigi walked by the police station where Officer Copper stood vigilantly every day (Except on summer mornings during his aerobics sessions.)

"Good day, citizen!" proclaimed Copper cheerfully, "How can I be of assistance?"

"What's going on in town lately?" asked Luigi, "Has that weird camel with the accent come by lately to sell her carpets?"

"No," said Copper, "But I have heard that Crazy Redd has set up his tent in Acre E-4. I would advise that there's probably a lot more to that Redd than just craziness."

"Okay, thanks." Said Luigi.

He went to Acre E-4, where Redd's tent with the words "Black Market" with the word "Black" crossed out stood.

"Oh, hey! A customer!" said Redd.

Luigi had known this guy was just a crook who sold almost everything Tom Nook does in his store for a thousand times more, but sometimes he had rare stuff.

"So what brings you to my humble store? Everything here is top-notch and one-of-a-kind!" He said in a lower voice, "It might get ripped off some old lady every now and then, but pass up this opportunity and you'll be kicking yourself in the morning!"

"Uh, I really have to get going now," said Luigi.

Redd grabbed him and threw him inside the tent, "Quick! We have to get inside before the cops catch me!"

The human looked around and saw nothing but junk and walked out.

"H-H-Hey! You can't leave without buying something! The rent alone is killing me!" protested Redd as Luigi walked out.

It was late in the afternoon now, Luigi was getting tired and he went down to the dock, where Kapp'n was sitting in his dingy.

"Ahoy, me boy!" Said Kapp'n "Would you like to take a leisurely cruise out to the island?"

"Sure why not?" said Luigi unenthusiastically, smelling rum on the sea turtle.

He hopped in the boat and Kapp'n said, "To St. John Island it is then! Now listen to me shanty of sin and insanity!"

As they pulled away from the dock and headed out to sea, Kapp'n began to sing in his horrible way.

"Oh listen ye to me Prozac song. Prozac, Prozac, so great and strong. It's the best thing around from keepin' me from getting' down; Oh that is, until I, see people frown."

Kapp'n then said, "Do you like candy, little boy?"

"WTF?" Responded Luigi.

"Arr, this old sea turtle mind, it can kill ya."

Kapp'n started his twisted little song up again:

"Ahoy, me old mum; your son, he feels glum. How I wish you and Dad would sleep with the fish. Sleep with the fish……"

They pulled up to the island and Luigi screamed, "You stupid turtle! You took us to the wrong island!"

"How do ye figure that?" asked Kapp'n.

"Just look!" The island they were on was filled with naked people and animals.

"Oh, oops." Said Kapp'n.

"This is Formbi Island!" screamed Luigi as he smacked Kapp'n with his golden shovel, "It's one of the largest Nudist resorts in Animal Crossing! You took us two thousand miles off course!"

A crowd of animals led by a human woman with long black hair came by the dock as Luigi continued bashing Kapp'n's overgrown head with his shovel.

"You guys are too tense," she said, "Once you get naked, you'll feel a lot better."

"Yeah, and that dummy Tom beat me to my fame!" retorted Luigi as he grabbed the paddle and the ore and paddled away from the island.

"Wait! Come back!" She called, "You'll have a new understanding of happiness!"

"I usually am very happy!" said Luigi, "I'm just having a very, very, very bad day!"

He got away from the island and said to Kapp'n who was tying bandages around his head, "I'm glad I'm away from that freaked-out place. What's wrong with you? Were you too busy caught up in your song of Prozac and murdering your parents to pay attention?"

"Aye, laddie," said Kapp'n sadly, "I just be an old sea turtle who's lost all his marbles. Look, there's one now!" He pointed to an empty spot in the boat.

After several hours, they reached St. John Island. Kapp'n waited at the boat while Luigi ran around the orange grove on the island, which he had planted three years before after cutting down almost of the island's native palm trees.

He soon came to a spot on the island where two huts stood, one was where Luigi had built a diorama of Fair Oak and the second one was where Rowan, the single resident of the island lived.

Rowan came out of his hut, dressed in a garish blue shirt with a floral pattern and a straw hat.

"Ah, Luigi." Said Rowan the tiger; "It has been so long since we last saw each other."

"Yeah it sure has." Said Luigi.

"What's wrong, my friend? You look so sad."

"I've been having a really bad day."

"Really? What happened?"

Luigi recounted the day's events and Rowan seemed to have taken notice to the part about the Nudist colony.

"It sound like you've really had a bad day."

"Yeah that's for sure."

"You know, I'm going fishing right now," said Rowan, "Would you care to join me?"

"Sure," Said Luigi, "The thing that could happen next is that I'll get impaled with a swordfish."

They went fishing off the pier on St. John Island where Kapp'n was. The flagpole nearby had the flag of Fair Oak hoisted high in the sky, shining the red, white, blue and gold patterns off the flag. (A/N: Fair Oak's flag has three horizontal bars. One bar that is red, one that is white, another red, and vertically on the left side of the flag is a blue bar with a golden tree, the symbol of Fair Oak.)

Suddenly, Luigi had a bite. He pulled on the golden fishing rod and said, "This is a big one!" then he was pulled of the dock and thrown out to sea, into the mouth of a whale.

Luigi regained consciousness in the whale's esophagus and he muttered, "I bet when that whale swallowed Jonah, he wasn't as angry as I am."

"Tell me about it," Said a voice. Luigi looked and he saw Gulliver next to him.

"Gulliver! What are you doing in this whale?"

"Well, you see," said the seagull, "I was on my ship, the Crusty Barnacle, when my crew got a little tipsy and tossed me overboard. As I floated in the ocean, this whale ate me!"

"Do you know how to get out?" asked Luigi

"There is a way, but it's not pretty." Said Gulliver.

The seagull pulled out a flask of vodka, drank it and threw it down the whale's throat.

"Oh well," said Gulliver, "I'd better enjoy myself before I get eaten."

Then the whale started making groaning noises and started burping, it swam faster and Gulliver and Luigi had to hold onto the whale's slimy tongue.

"Gulliver!" cried Luigi, "I think that the whale's drunk!"

"Good, maybe he'll throw us up!"

The whale stopped and let out a big burp and a tidal wave of food washed up Luigi and Gulliver, vomiting them up on land. Luigi got knocked out again.

_Luigi saw that an old man in a brown hooded robe stood over him and Luigi cried, "Obi-Wan! What are you doing here? This isn't a Star Wars story."_

"_Yes, I know." Said Obi-Wan._

"_Have you come to tell me that Darth Vader is really my father and that what you said was true from a certain point of view and that I have a sister?"_

"_No, I have just come to tell you…….."_

"Wake up, loser!" shouted Tom as he kicked Luigi in the head.

"Ben, why did you lie to me?" moaned Luigi as he was beaten.

"Get up, chump!" said Tom.

Luigi got up and looked around, it was night and cicadas were whistling in the trees.

"What time is it?" asked Luigi.

"It's Saturday night, about 7:50." Replied Tom.

"Ahhhh, I've been gone for a day?" asked Luigi confused.

"I guess so," said Tom, "Where were you? Inside a whale's butt?"

"Pretty close."

Tom ran away and shouted, "K.K. Slider's going to be performing soon, he's got some new guys helping him out!"

Luigi ran to the train station, all the animals he ran past gave him funny looks.

He arrived at the train station and saw the singing dog at his normal spot near the town map; standing on the loading platform was the Schmooze Brothers.

"Oh, great." Said Luigi.

"Hey, kiddo," Said K.K., "Want to jam to a new tune I made?"

"Why not?" said Luigi, "Nothing could go wrong during a song."

"Okay," said K.K., "Ready guys?"

"Yes sir!" shouted the Schmooze Brothers.

"Alright! This song is called K.K. Constipation, hit it!"

The dog began strumming his guitar and singing.

"O be que que. O be que que que que. O be be que que!"

"O be be que que!" repeated the Schmooze Brothers.

"AHHHHHHHHH!" shouted Luigi as he ran away, as they continued que queing away.

"I didn't think we were that bad," said Louie.

"You're all fired! K.K. Slider is a solo act!" shouted K.K.

"Aw!" moaned the Schmooze Brothers.

Luigi walked up to his house and Master Gyroid said, "My son, you look like you have had a bad day."

"Stuff a sock in It." Grumbled Luigi as he came by the front door.

"YOU!" shouted an all-too-familiar voice, "YOU HIT IT AGAIN, DIDN'T YOU!"

"Oh man!" moaned Luigi.

Popping out of the ground was Mr. Resetti, angry as usual.

"WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT PRESSIN' THE RESET BUTTON!"

"I didn't push it!" protested Luigi, "There's not even a reset button in this world!"

"OH REALLY YOU LITTLE PUNK!" roared Resetti, "THERE WAS THIS BIG FLASH OF LIGHT! DO YOU GET IT! A BIG FLASH OF LIGHT THAT FRIES MY BRAIN!"

"Nope, I don't."

"I WAS TAKIN' A MUD BATH WHILE THAT STUPID FLASH OF LIGHT BURNED MY BRAIN! I COULDN'T EVEN GET A CHANCE TO PUT ON ANY UNDERWEAR!"

The mole's headlamp lit up half of the block while he waved his pickaxe around.

"I keep telling you," said Luigi, "There's no reset button in this world!"

"OH YEAH YOU LITTLE SNOT!" shouted Resetti, "I'M GONNA RIP OUT YOUR GUTS, USE 'EM TO MAKE A STATUE OF YOU AND THEN I'M GONNA WHIZ ON IT!"

Luigi rolled his eyes.

Resetti handed a piece of paper to Luigi and said, "JUST WRITE DOWN, 'I LUV U!' AND I'LL LEAVE YOU ALONE FOR NOW!"

Luigi quickly wrote down on the paper 'I Suck!' and handed it back to Resetti.

"YOU LITTLE BRAT!" growled the mole as he charged towards Luigi.

Master Gyroid leaped out of the ground and beat the living excrement out of Resetti. The mole writhed in pain as Luigi started in awe.

"ALRIGHT! YOU WIN!" bellowed Resetti, "BUT DO YOURSELF A FAVOR: TAKE A BATH! YOU SMELL LIKE ME! SCRAM!"

He jumped down the hole he came in and Luigi said to Master Gyroid:

"Wow, you kicked some serious butt!"

"Yes, my son."

"Well, I'd better get going, I really need to get cleaned up after all that's happened."

Luigi went inside, took a bath and happily went to bed, eager to forget all that had happened to him.


End file.
